Credits Subject to Change: The Very Best of Kevin Nash

We’re gearing up for Wrestlemania in New Orleans this year (aren’t we?) so I figured what better time to introduce the last and least obvious aspect of my personality:

I like wrestling quite a bit and I’m not against writing about it.

By nature, it would seem most vehicles starring or featuring wrestlers are B to Z grade unless your name is Batista or The Rock Johnson. But simply being bad doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy them. So this week you’re trapped in here, with me, as I spotlight a couple of my favorite non-Hulk Hogan headliners and run down the best of their worst. Or the worst of their best. I am not sure which.

This week allow me to introduce you to Big Sexy Himself, Kevin Nash! Kevin’s film and television career actually hasn’t been that bad. Regardless of how you feel about his politicking in sports entertainment, you can tell he doesn’t take himself too seriously and has appropriate acting chops for the level of film he partakes in. He’s well on his way to being a Tier III Ron Perlman.

gif of Kevin Nash looking smarmy/interested in something off screen
Kevin is intrigued by this

That being said:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze 

No one is going to accuse TMNT II of being a good movie although it’s not quite TMNT III bad. But hey, a bulked up wrestler as Super Shredder King of All Mutants? Sign me up. Unfortunately, as awesome as Super Shredder is he gets overshadowed by turtley shenanigans, Tokka and Rahzar, and of course the extended Vanilla Ice cameo. But we get to see more of Kevin’s acting prowess just over a decade later as another comic book creation.

The Punisher 

This movie is a good little action flick and a fine entry for the pre-buyout Marvel days. It also sold me on fan-to-real-life casting Kev as Cable in that impending movie that never happened. I guess Josh Brolin is okay too, but think of what we could have had, people. The complete opposite of grunting mutant Shredder, the clean-cut Russian is somehow inconspicuous and terrifying in that damn stripped shirt and gives me shades of buff Ivan Drago. This role loses points for exposing me to Kevin without majestic facial hair, but it still wins for being small yet mighty and giving Frank Castle a run for his money.

Almighty Thor

Gif of a scene from Almighty Thor featuring Kevin Nash as Odin screaming at his son Loki.
Okay? Okay.

Another Marvel movie for Big Daddy Cool? Kind of. As you might be able to guess, this is the SyFy version of the Marvel sleeper hit and as far as Asylum ripoffs it’s not THAT bad. Between this point and The Punisher, Kev had some feature roles in TV and the movie adaptation of DOA but he was still having trouble breaking out into a starring role. He gets some top billing here as Odin and damnit does he look like the perfect viking with his long, luxurious silver locks. Unfortunately, much like Anthony Hopkins in Thor, Kevin is relegated to looking mildly bemused while his kids fight each other over petty nonsense. He gets one bad ass sword fight scene in but most of it is wracked with tortuous jitter action cam. Alas. Maybe he needs to get nekkid or something.

Magic Mike & Magic Mike XXL

Just kidding he only needed to get half nekkid. Right, so full admission but I really didn’t care about Magic Mikemania and it wasn’t until the second movie that I was gleefully informed that Big Sexy even had a role in it. That was unexpected and I was scandalized, so peeping through my hands I watched both movies in a mini-marathon and I came to the conclusion that White Player’s Club isn’t half bad. Come for the intriguing story line, stay for the stiff choreography and proof that there’s no such thing as over the hill. Thanks for everything, Kevin!

John Wick

Gif of a scene from the movie John Wick. John (Keanu Reeves) appears behind Francis (Nash) and clicks his gun.
Turn around, Francis!

John Wick turned out to be a sleeper hit and Kevin’s brief role as Francis quickly became the stuff of cult memes. Why didn’t he come back for the sequel? We’ve done stupider things in film. The combination of his roguish demeanor and that accent really got me. I wish Kevin took more comedic roles in film because as it turns out he’s bleeping funny, but if you don’t catch any of his blink and you’ll miss it TV roles or you sit through DOA or old episodes of TNA Wrestling or shoot interviews or… well, hopefully Big Kev will take more roles that tickle my funny bone for my personal pleasure.

We’re out of time! Next time, we’ll run down the filmography of the rowdy Scotsman himself, the late great Roddy Piper.

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